Two Conversations, One Table

Over the weekend, I found myself wandering through a bookstore, trying to gently ease into my “new year resolution” of building reading into my routine. I was doing my best not to judge books by their covers (a habit I absolutely have when it comes to books), when a familiar sound cut through the quiet hum of the store.

A couple was arguing.

Not loudly. Not dramatically. But in that very specific way that immediately makes you realize: they’re not actually talking to each other.

It was almost as if they were having two completely separate conversations while standing in the same physical space. She wasn’t hearing him. He wasn’t hearing her. Each sentence sounded like a response to something that had already happened internally, rather than to what was being said out loud.

And I remember thinking, I see this every week.

This is one of the most common dynamics that shows up in my therapy room during couples work. And it’s not because people don’t care. It’s not because they don’t want to understand each other. It’s because, in moments of conflict, many of us become too dysregulated to actually hear.

When the nervous system perceives threat, it does what it’s designed to do: protect. Some people go into fight mode—defensive, sharp, reactive. Others move into fawn mode—the fixer, the over-explainer, the one trying desperately to smooth things over. Both are survival responses. And both make true communication nearly impossible.

When you’re dysregulated, your brain isn’t focused on curiosity or connection. It’s focused on safety. So instead of listening, you’re scanning for danger. Instead of understanding, you’re preparing your next defense. Words come in, but they don’t really land.

This is why, when couples come to me saying, “We need to work on our communication,” I often slow things down and gently redirect the focus.

Before communication, we work on regulation.

Because you can’t problem-solve when your nervous system is on high alert. You can’t repair when your body believes it’s under threat. And you can’t truly hear your partner if your system is already bracing for impact.

One of the biggest misconceptions about relationships is that healthy couples don’t fight. In reality, fighting isn’t the problem. Conflict is inevitable when two nervous systems, histories, values, and attachment patterns collide. What actually matters is how you come back from the rupture.

Do you know how to pause instead of escalate?

Do you know how to regulate enough to stay present?

Do you know how to return to the conversation once emotions settle?

Repair is where trust is built. Repair is where safety is restored. Repair is what allows partners to move from “me versus you” back to “us.”

So often, couples are trying to fix what they’re saying, when the deeper work is learning how to feel safe enough to hear each other in the first place.

If you find yourself having the same argument over and over again, or feeling like you’re speaking different languages in moments of conflict, it might not be a communication issue at all. It might be a nervous system issue.

And that’s something we can work with—together, slowly, and with care.

Because real connection doesn’t start with the perfect words.

It starts with regulation, repair, and the willingness to come back to each other.