The Weight of Making Them Proud

One pattern I see often in my therapy room—especially among BIPOC clients and children of immigrants—is the quiet, ever-present pressure to make their parents proud.

As someone who also comes from an immigrant background, I see how complex and heavy this inheritance can be—especially when success no longer feels like freedom.

Many of us grew up hearing versions of the same story: we sacrificed everything to get you here.

Somewhere along the way, that story becomes an unspoken equation:

Their sacrifice must be repaid with achievement.

So my clients push. They chase the degree, the title, the salary. They become high achievers—capable, responsible, impressive on paper.

Yet beneath the success, there is often a deep sense of emptiness. A lingering feeling of being “not enough.” A fear that no matter how much they do, it will never fully close the gap between expectation and self.

One of the hardest moments in therapy comes when people realize they’re not just exhausted by the pressure, but by the shame of not being able to let it go.

Many come in blaming themselves:

“Why can’t I stop thinking this way?”

“Other people move on—why can’t I?”

But this isn’t a mindset problem.

It’s a deeply learned survival pattern—shaped by love, loyalty, fear, and the very real costs their families carried.

Another hard truth we explore is this:

Some grief does not disappear—it must be carried differently.

The work is not about erasing internalized expectations or rejecting your parents’ story. It’s about gently editing it—so it fits the life you’re living now, not the one you were handed.

Ambition doesn’t have to be abandoned.

But it does need to stop being fueled by self-erasure.

Success that costs you your sense of self is not success—it’s survival in disguise.

Healing begins when we stop asking why we can’t let it go— and start asking what it’s been protecting.